Where’s my food?

If your pet could talk, what would be the first thing it says?

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If Tucker could suddenly talk, I know exactly what his first words would be.

“Where is my food?”

And right after I gave it to him:

“Is this all?”

That would be Tucker.

No grand revelation. No heartfelt speech about how much he loves us. No explanation of what dogs have been thinking all these years.

Food first.

Then more food.

After that, he would probably start issuing instructions.

“Get up.”

It would be the middle of the night.

“Get up.”

Then again around five in the morning.

“GET UP.”

Apparently, sleep is something Tucker believes should happen only when Tucker is sleeping.

And Tucker has no problem getting on the furniture, so there would be no complaints from him about that. He already considers the furniture part of his property.

Lately, though, we have been replacing the floors, and I am pretty sure I know what he would have to say about that.

“Do not use that nail gun.”

It is loud, and he hates it.

Every time it goes off, I can almost hear him thinking,

“Why are you people doing this?”

“That hurts my ears.”

“Surely there is another way to put a floor down.”

The funniest part is that lately he has been crawling up into my lap.

Tucker is a German Shepherd.

He is not a lap dog.

Apparently, nobody has told Tucker.

So here comes this full-grown German Shepherd trying to climb into my lap because the nail gun went off and he has decided that I am now his designated safe place.

I imagine if he could talk, he would defend this completely.

“I am not scared.”

“I am protecting you.”

“Move over.”

Then, once the noise stopped and the danger had apparently passed, he would probably get down, walk straight toward his bowl, look at me and say,

“Where is my food?”

And when I filled it:

“Is this all?”

At which point I would realize that giving Tucker the ability to talk would not actually change our relationship very much.

I already know exactly what he is saying.