Affection Without Acupuncture

What I Don’t Want in an Animal

When people ask me about my favorite animals, I find it easier to start with what I don’t want. No needles. I’m not hugging a walking pincushion. Porcupines, I’m talking about you. One cuddle and I’d look like a sewing project gone wrong. No slime. I don’t do goo. If you drip, ooze, or trail across my floor, you’re out. No poison bites, venomous snakes, I’m talking about you. If your idea of affection is sending venom through my veins, we’re not meant to be. No mosquitos either. I know you like to visit at certain times of year, but you hurt when you bite, and you’re a pain. And no flies. Don’t land on my food, don’t buzz in my ear, and don’t act like you own the picnic table.

No Scratching Allowed

And if you want to be in my life, no scratching. I don’t mind petting. Honestly, I don’t. I love petting, but I don’t want to be harmed.

The Pets Who Actually Made the Cut

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do have a rooster, but he stays in the backyard where his morning concerts don’t rattle my ears. And I’ve got a German shepherd who’s practically perfect. No slobber, no stealing… unless it’s chocolate cookies while we’re at church. Then all bets are off. And my cat? She redeems all other cats because she doesn’t claw me in the middle of the night. She’s actually very sweet, and so is the shepherd.

The Animals Who Did NOT Make the Cut

But as for the rest? No kissy‑face pets. Yuck. Keep your spit to yourself. If you’ve got something to say, lower your voice. I want to hear other people after you’re done. No drama queens, no food thieves, no stink bombs (skunks, I’m looking at you), no fur factories, no mood‑swing maniacs, no drool factories, no lizards climbing my curtains like they own the place, no diggers tunneling through my yard like it’s a construction site. Moles and gophers, I’m talking about you. No goats chewing the siding off the house, no bats dive‑bombing my hair, no kangaroos kickboxing my ribs.

So What Animals Do I Love?

So when you ask me about favorite animals, just know: I like the ones who don’t poke me, slime me, poison me, scream at me, slobber on me, scratch me, or suck my blood. Give me a rooster in the yard, a shepherd at my side, and a cat who lets me sleep in peace and I’ll happily say “No Thank You” to the rest.