If I could relive one year of my life, I do not believe there would be one year. It would be more apt to be segments of my life. Even then, I do not know if I would relive those either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I hear the word relive, I imagine a duplicate year. The exact same year happening twice. If that happened, other years would have to be altered to make room for it. That would cause a rift in the equilibrium of the world and change today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I do not want to change today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My life today is nothing grand or glorious. It is not perfect. But I love every moment of my life just the way it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I love the time I spend with my husband, the boys and their spouses, and the girls and their families. I love when we play pool together. Tim usually wins. Everyone else plays pretty well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I do not want to play well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to have fun and cause everyone else to laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While everyone else is trying to make a good shot, I am usually behaving like a child and screaming, \u201cY\u2019all cheated!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We swim at one of the boys\u2019 homes. When we stay with one of the girls, we spend time in their pool. I love playing with the children and behaving like a child with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I love hearing about the adventures of my siblings. Sometimes they tell me when we see one another. Other times, I hear the stories over the phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These are the people who are part of my life today. Reliving another year might mean sacrificing these moments, and I do not want to give them up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would miss walking through the yard with Tim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would even miss the time we stopped at a store and bought a lot of junk food just so the two of us could behave like kids. Afterward, Tim drove us near a lake and started doing doughnuts along the shoreline in his pickup.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He was spinning that truck around like it was some sort of whirlyjig.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It scared the heck out of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those are the moments that make up my life. Some are peaceful. Others have me holding on while Tim spins his truck around beside a lake after we have filled ourselves with junk food.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why would I sacrifice those memories to repeat a year I have already lived?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I accept every moment of my life. That includes the years when there was no money. It includes the times when I felt depressed. There were other times when I did not have a job or a place to stay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It also includes experiencing physical violence from someone I thought loved me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Being abused was not a positive experience. It was not right. I accept that it was part of my life, but it gave me strength and an understanding I would not have otherwise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I comprehend with more depth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have had the privilege of speaking to other women who were experiencing abuse. I could speak to them on their level because I understood. I was not looking at them from the outside. I had been there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I understood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
God is present in every experience. That does not make the wrong things right. It means I was not alone in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Everything I have lived through has brought me to where I am today. Removing one part might change something else with it. I do not want to remove one difficult year only to discover that I also removed something more precious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, if you ask whether I would enjoy spending time looking back at the special moments, I would say yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would love to sit beside my parents again. I would embrace them. I would let them know that I understand better now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I was a child, I just thought my father worked. That was what fathers did. I did not consider his life or what he was giving up for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad thought he needed to work hard and give us the things of this world. He thought he had to provide the diamond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What he did not realize was that who he was and the love he gave us were far more precious than anything he could buy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember the summers when he would give us twenty five cents to buy a candy bar and a Coke to share. It was only a quarter. At the time, I thought about the candy bar and the Coke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today, I think about my father giving us that quarter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That memory is worth more than the things of this world he worked so hard to give us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I understand my mother differently now too. I was her tenth child. She was entering menopause while raising children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a child, I did not consider what that must have been like for her. She was Mama. I did not think about her life before me or everything she gave up for others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you grow older, your eyes open. You begin to see your parents as people. You recognize sacrifices you could not see when you were young.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Funny how time gives you a different perspective when you are willing to look for the positive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wish I had understood my parents better before. I would love to sit beside my father and share the candy bar and Coke with him. I would hug my mother and say, \u201cI love you,\u201d just a little louder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But longing to see them is different from wanting to relive a year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is all right. I will see them again in heaven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The years without money taught me that money cannot buy happiness. It can make life easier. It can provide security. But having no money is not the end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those years taught me to appreciate the small things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cherish what you have because you could have less.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I prefer life to happen as it happens. I do not want to go backward knowing everything I know today. I do not want to know tomorrow before it arrives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No crystal ball.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every year had its own flavor because I did not know what was coming. There were unexpected turns and whirlwinds. There were valleys too. Repeating a year would change all of that. I might experience the same events, but they would not feel the same because they would no longer be new.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are moments I would love to visit again. But I would not sacrifice today to experience them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today, I walk through the yard with Tim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My family gathers around a pool table while I accuse everyone of cheating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hear about my siblings\u2019 adventures. I spend time with the boys and their spouses. I enjoy being with the girls and their families. The children give me an excuse to behave like one of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today even has a pickup spinning like a whirlyjig beside a lake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would not change any of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I were in one of my darkest moments today, I would want the memories of the good to outweigh the bad. Sometimes bad moments can make one feel as though there is no good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But that just means the scale is off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would not relive one year of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would remember it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I would return to today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today is the life God has given me, and I love it just the way it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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